In the past, I have needed validation for almost everything I’ve done, whether ordering something to eat or deciding whom to date. I remember asking my friends to meet the person I was dating because I was not sure if he was good or not. This practice did not always work out because naturally, people are always on their best behaviours around strangers. I also remember laughing at jokes that I actually found offensive because everyone else was laughing, even jokes at my expense that I thought hurtful.
What is self-trust?
When you think about trusting someone you can rely on and believe in, someone you can count on to keep you safe. Self-trust is the same – it is trusting yourself that you will keep yourself safe, this includes keeping your values, beliefs, and mistakes safe from negative self-talk. Self-trust is knowing and respecting yourself and standing by your ideals and maintaining your integrity. Self-trust is ensuring that you abide by your own values and know that you will be kind to yourself when you make mistakes.
If you'd like to work with me one-on-one schedule a free call.
Why is self-trust important?
As I mentioned earlier, I constantly needed validation from others because no matter what I chose I did not trust that I had made a good choice. I rarely allowed myself the chance to fail thereby denying myself the opportunity to learn. When you are always hard on yourself, you stop trusting yourself since your experience has shown you that your internal chatter will be negative.
Self-trust is important to maintaining healthy boundaries too. When you trust yourself, you know what you need and want and will not allow people to violate your boundaries. It means that you will say “no” when you need to and be confident about expressing yourself. It is also allowing yourself to grow and learn, to trust that even if you make a mistake or if things don’t work out as you intended, you will be okay. You’ll trust that this will be bad for a while, but it is also a lesson to be learned and one that you can learn.
It is also knowing that you will stand by your beliefs, whether this is the decision to do something different from your peers or society or (in my case) calling out people that go against your values. Self-trust is an important aspect of self-love. It is important to be aware and accept your thoughts and be present for yourself. When we trust ourselves, we can be who we are and live as our authentic selves.
Why do I find it difficult to trust myself?
For most of us, self-trust is an issue. This starts early, we are told off for saying things that aren’t the norm as children, we are yelled at for talking too much or being too loud, we are not allowed to explore as adults try to protect us, we are punished for expressing yourself.
Often this is slow progress and becomes second nature, so we don’t realise that we have stopped trusting ourselves. When it happens as children, we can’t know any better. For those children who were disciplined with physical abuse, self-trust becomes more elusive as behaviours are often designed to appease. Self-trust also comes from society and peers that expect you to be and behave in a certain way, a failure to do so could have consequences from being ridiculed in front of people or violence. This will often lead to you behaving and pretending to be someone you are not.
How can I trust myself more?
Though we lose trust in ourselves along the way, it is possible to get it back.
Be kind: Start by changing your self-talk and making it positive and compassionate. For example, if you hear yourself say something along the lines of, “I do everything wrong,” stop and say, “I am trying my best and I will get better.” Create a safe space within your mind for yourself.
Listen to yourself: Once the self-talk becomes more positive, really listen to yourself. What are the reasons you hear for wanting or not wanting to do certain things or meet certain people? Your mind is trying to tell you something but instead of using straightforward words (because you stopped listening), it is using convoluted thoughts and behaviours. Start listening to yourself again.
List your needs: Day to day, what do you need to be your best self? Do you need a time out? Do you need time to relax or time with friends? Whether it is the need for a walk or a fancy meal, allow yourself time and space for self-care. Honour your needs and wants first, or at least as much as anyone else’s.
Ask yourself for help: Take time and list the things you want and need to live a good life. Once you have this list, ask yourself what you can do to make this happen and then do it. Ask yourself the right questions – keep them simple and positive. When you have positive questions, you will also have positive answers and action steps.
Affirmations: I thought it was silly to say things like “I am lovable and worthy” out loud, especially because I did not really believe them. Having said them for a while, I can confirm that they do work. When you say your affirmations with conviction your brain begins to believe them, and the truth is that I am worthy, and I am lovable.
Journal: Keep a journal of your successes, the times you stood up for yourself, and the times you were compassionate toward yourself. This can serve as a list of times when you showed up for yourself and help to reaffirm your self-trust.
Learning to trust yourself is part of the self-love journey. It is a long one that has the best benefits. When you begin trusting yourself, you will notice changes in how you behave and feel, especially around others. You will be more confident and self-aware. There will be something new you learn every day and new challenges to your resolve. Remember, no matter how bad things get, you are your longest and constant companion so be kind and gentle and love yourself.
Comments